Imagine if all the human emotions were on a scale from 1 to 10, with 1 being the darkest feelings, such as despair and helplessness, and 10 being the brightest feelings, such as ecstasy and deep joy. All the other feelings are spread out between these two extremes: 3 could be worry, for instance, and 6 could be satisfaction or anticipation.
Most children are naturally born with the full 1 to 10. They begin with free, unadulterated access to the whole emotional range. They feel all the emotions in a strong, visceral way. Children can fluctuate from crying to laughing to crying again in seconds.
Then over time, we internalize messages and judgments about certain feelings: “Boys don’t cry,” “You have nothing to cry about,” “We don’t yell in this house,” “Stop dancing around,” “Sit down and be quiet,” and more. Societal, gender, and family of origin influences slowly trickle down, and as young adults, we begin to narrow our emotional range. Consequentially, many end up living in the four to six range. I call them the “4 to 6’ers.” They live in that middle ground: not too sad or happy, not too in pain, but not too passionate.
I consider them emotional survivors: They are fully functional, regulated, and plow through life. They don’t collapse or fall. They get jobs, marry, and have kids, but something is missing. They usually don’t know what it is. I meet them several years later, in therapy, when they finally confront this narrowness after a crisis, illness, affair, or threats of divorce.
